FC Cincinnati Gave Up Five Set Piece Goals In One Game.
IN ONE GAME. IN ONE GAAAAAAAAMMMMMMEEE.
FC Cincinnati have been a bad team for their MLS existence. In fact, they’ve been objectively the worst team in MLS for their MLS existence. That was supposed to be changing this year. They signed Lucho Acosta. They signed Brenner, the highly-touted Brazilian from the best greatest club in South America and possibly the world, São Paulo FC*. They showed against Nashville SC that these two acquisitions would let them do something they heretofore showed they could not do in great abundance: score goals. Add all of that to Cincy’s solidifying their identity last season under Jaap Stam as a compact team that would try to make life as difficult as possible for opposing attacks, and you have a recipe for a Cinderella season. Surprise some analysts. Make a shocking Cup run (if that happens). Maybe even get your coach a Coach of the Year award, I don’t know. Go crazy.
And then the second game of the season happened. And, folks, let me tell you something: Cincinnati is still bad.
Yes, they were missing Acosta and first-choice keeper Przemysław Tytoń, who is yet another Polish MLS player I’m convinced is not a real person, but a simulation designed to make fun of the way our English consonants are structured. Yes, a couple of those NYCFC goals were quite good. But that doesn’t wipe away the fact that NYC scored five of them. Nor does it change the fact that every single last one was a set piece.
Seriously. All five goals scored against one club were set piece goals. I’m not sure that’s ever happened before in MLS. I mean, I’m not sure that’s ever happened before anywhere, to be perfectly honest. At least not since 1932, when attacking really was just going for corner kicks over and over again, which also happened to be all attacking was in England until about 1997. How do you give up five set piece goals in one game?
Well, if you’re FC Cincinnati, you give them up all kinds of ways. You lose track of a free kick swung into the box and let the other team just boot the ball into the goal. You lose out on a header. You get beat by a direct kick. You score an own goal (at least you scored!). And to top it all off, you let the other team work a short corner and then watch as Jesus Medina hits the most wicked shross I’ve seen in quite some time, right into the back of the net.
At points, this is aesthetically pleasing. At others, it’s horrifying. And from the standpoint of this being the newsletter of the most handsome defender in United States Soccer history, it’s a goddamn travesty. Which makes me wonder: what fresh horror is Cincinnati planning on unleashing on their fancy new signings? Was this all a ruse to lure high-priced talent to Cincinnati with the promises of a project to build a winner from the ground up, only to actually entrap them in a hell of blowout losses and confusing chili dishes? ARE BRENNER’S ANKLES STILL INTACT? YOU LEAVE THAT BOY ALONE.
A couple newsletters ago, we discussed the importance of not being Athletic Bilbao, the time lords of misery who lost two separate Copa del Rey finals in less than a month. And if we learned anything from this weekend, on in which we saw the re-emergence of Chichadios, Austin FC clobber my beloved Colorado Rapids, and the Higuain brothers pulling off the rare “two brothers scoring a goal in the same game” thing, it’s the importance of not being FC Cincinnati. MLS might be chaos, but FC Cincinnati is reliable. That will remain true until FC Cincinnati can somehow wipe away the shame of giving up five set piece goals in a single game.
*lol Monti will have to promote this newsletter in which I call São Paulo the greatest club in South America.
Things You Should Know
Live stream at 3 EST/12 PST today! We’re running through a review of the weekend’s matches, looking forward to the European matches mid-week, and our regular programming of assorted goodies.
Tottenham went from the European Super League to… well, Tottenham again in the span of a week.
Don’t look now, but Catarina Macario has scored three times in three games for Lyon.
Unfortunate bit of news for you Arsenal fans out there: the Kroenkes aren’t going anywhere.
David Ochoa Made Some New Friends This Week
This is mostly funny to me. The chances that someone actually gets seriously injured from this seem very low, and we instantly have a new rivalry to talk about. Sometimes you just really need a heel, and David Ochoa appears to be more than willing to do that.
Introducing the Jimmy Conrad Home Shopping Network
Here to provide you with the best boring kits money can buy.
Premier League Introduces the PL Hall of Fame
With two people who are inarguably deserving as the first two inductees, Thierry Henry and Alan Shearer.
It’s an interesting addition by the Premier League and certainly feels American in several respects, but still cool to see players getting plaudits that they deserve. And even better, when this train gets rolling in a couple years we’ll have all sorts of outrage and arguments over who does or does not deserve to be in it. You think it’s easy now? Just wait til 2035 when they’re debating whether Morten Gamst Pedersen is really deserving of Hall of Fame status.
In checking that I was spelling Gamst Pedersen’s name right, I discovered that he is still playing professionally. Seriously. Life is wild.