Finding New Levels on the Liverpool Meter of Sadness
Am I supposed to spell it "metre?" They do that, right? Yes? Either way, we're getting sad with Liverpool.
There’s a certain art to loving a bad team. It’s not pure, blind cynicism that gets you through year after year of wasted potential. It’s actually sincere hope that you will get better, your team will win the trophy, that despite all observable and objective evidence, your club can still make you happy. It’s carrying that flicker of hope inside you at all times.
Fans of good teams that are down bad, however, struggle to maintain this little beacon of hope. Everything becomes immediate doom and gloom. Look at Manchester United fans. They dealt with David Moyes managing them for one whole season, an aging dressing room, having their Jose Mourinho period, and bada bing, there’s no light or joy in the world. All that despite the fact that they’ve won multiple trophies in the last five years. They don’t know how to sustain a patient hope. They’re either winning or they’re losing. First or last. They’re the Ricky Bobby of European clubs.
Liverpool, understandably, is caught somewhere in the middle here. They’ve been undeniably one of the best teams in the world, if not the best team in the world, for the past couple seasons. And they’re one of the most historically successful clubs in the sport, in general. But long stretches of being one of the “lesser” big clubs in England, such as the thirty year first division title drought, or finally notching that sixth European championship after more than a decade wait, has given the club’s supporters’ hybrid characteristics. Good club DNA with bad club pain tolerance.
Which begs the question: where exactly does losing to Fulham and dropping to eighth place in the league rank on the Liverpool Meter of Sadness?
If 1 is the least amount of pain that could be felt, which I imagine, in a Liverpool context, is probably Istanbul 2005, losing to haunted ventriloquist dummy Scott Parker leading relegation-threatened Fulham has to be above a 5. Let’s just establish that Pain Base from the get-go. A 5 is nothing to people that live in Liverpool, a place where it’s cloudy 300 days out of the year and the other 65 days, the clouds are industrial smog. A 5 is a draw with Everton. It’s not pleasant, sure. But it happens.
However, it’s not like a result such as this was out of the realm of possibility. You don’t get to six home losses in a row without first losing five home matches in a row, so there was a run-up to it, a period of time where you could brace yourself. Nothing quite so sudden and traumatic as, say, The Slip™.
It’s not a fresh pain, it’s not sharp, this Liverpool misery. It’s a dull one, a migraine that creeps in the back door of your skull and spreads slowly until you realize you can barely see. Not a new pain: an old one, a song you barely remember the melody to, but one that grows more and more familiar the more you listen to it. It’s the whisper rattling through your synapses at night, when you’re trying to go to sleep: is this the end? No more trophies out of this side? Are we Arsenal again?
Of course, Liverpool have been tremendously unlucky with injuries this season, and it’s hard to throw the towel in on this team when they’ve played for so long without several of their most important players. But that doesn’t lead to comfort as much as it leads to more questions: does this team still have a Premier League title in them? Or was that form after the re-start last season what we can expect from Liverpool going forward? Is Liverpool simply a team that can threaten fourth place again?
And in the end, it’s not even the results that get to you: it’s the questions and the constant, gnawing worry that eats at you. Like a termite. Or athlete’s foot.
Based on the available evidence, I propose Liverpool are currently a 7.5/10 on the Liverpool Meter of Pain. Losing to Fulham hurts, yes. Just look at Scott Parker’s uncomfortably symmetrical face. Don’t look at it too long, or you’ll get lost in his glass puppet eyes that will drag you to Tartarus. But it hurts. Nearly as much as the thought of how deep this rabbit hole actually goes.
Things You Should Know
Trinity Rodman is finding her feet as a pro and surviving weight-room sessions with Paige Nielsen, which is already a resounding success.
RB Leipzig got fined for, uh, following their country’s COVID-19 restrictions.
Angel City FC is already a star-studded affair. Here’s how it got started.
Alan Shearer thinks we should cancel the international break so players can actually rest.
We often feel we need a refresher on what happened over the weekend and what players we should be looking out for, so we’re turning to our foremost Stonks expert Chike Nwoye to give us some insights and futures on players around the world.
STOCK UP
Boubakar Kouyaté (Metz) – The 23-year old versatile Malian Center-Back has changed Metz’ fortunes and has them dreaming of European football. Signed in the summer from Troyes, Kouyate has helped Metz to the 4th best defence in Ligue 1 and there’s little doubt he’ll be sort after in the coming transfer window.
Cristian Romero (Atalanta) – The Argentine Center-Back is making the most of his loan spell at Atalanta and will most likely get a call up from his country ahead of the Copa America.
James Tavernier (Rangers) – He’s just captained Rangers to the Scottish League title. He ranks 2nd in goals scored and also ranks 2nd on assists. An impressive feat for any player but even more impressive for a Right-Back.
STOCK DOWN
Anthony Martial (Manchester United) – Ole might not say it, but the United manager is fed up with his top striker’s returns this season. If Ed Woodward can land Ole’s #1 target (Erling Haaland) this summer, Martial’s time at United could be over. Also, there’s a chance he’ll be dropped by France ahead of the EUROs. I blame his proximity to Fred.
Trent-Alexander Arnold (Liverpool) – I expect him to bounce back next season, but what a bad year it’s been by TAA’s standards! Yes, he’s still incredible going forward but the primary job of a defender is to, well, defend. We can all agree TAA hasn’t been good at that this season.
Andreas Pereira (Lazio) – The Brazilian midfielder left for Italy in October to try reviving his career, but that hasn’t worked out so well for him. Just 2 starts & 14 sub appearances later, Lazio admit they made a mistake and won’t be retaining him. Ouch.
Goal of the Week
You know we had to show some love to Daryl Dike, right?
A little over a year ago, Dike was playing NCAA soccer. Since then, he’s debuted as a pro with eight goals in his first MLS season, and now has scored three goals in his last four appearances for Barnsley, who are storming up the Championship table and looking for a promotion play-off spot. And he’s showing off his versatility, too: his first goal for Barnsley was a tidy finish 1v1 with the keeper, his second a header off a set piece, and his third was that thunderbastard captured above.
Keep it locked here for more Daryl Dike highlights, especially since… well, if you do, you won’t actually have to watch the Championship.
This Is for Anyone Who Was Trying to Check On Me After the Dortmund-Bayern Game
I’m fine. Got the advance review copy of the script.