How Many Fouls Could've Possibly Been Committed in the Erling Haaland Penalty Sequence?
Diving into theoretical refereeing and the VAR multiverse. And Erling Haaland. That nightmare of a human.
If you paid any attention to the Champions League this week, you probably noticed that the Tuesday games were far superior to the games that were played on Wednesday. And by “far superior,” I mean way drunker than you could possibly imagine they could be. And that’s impressive, given Borussia Dortmund was playing!
While Juventus were the architects of their own unique and thrilling misery, Dortmund-Sevilla featured everyone’s favorite scapegoat when referring to the issues with today’s game: Video Assistant Referee. Specifically, the sequence of play that saw Erling Haaland score an utterly preposterous goal, only for it to be called back, and then awarded as a penalty to Dortmund, only for that penalty to be saved, only for that penalty save to be called back, before Haaland finally scored the penalty. Both teams got mad. Several fouls were committed. It was a mess.
I loved it.
We are fast approaching the theoretical end of Video Assistant Referee, the infinite VAR, the God-King that guarantees every single foul and infraction will be spotted and punished accordingly, no matter how many do-overs will be created. But that march towards perfection did have me wondering: just how many more fouls could’ve been called in this disallowed goal + penalty + retaken penalty sequence?
The Play Before the Play
This is the one that VAR got and adjudged to be a penalty in the first place, which wasn’t really in this sequence of play at all, but rather occurred right before this sequence and the ball simply didn’t go out of play between that and Haaland’s disallowed goal. It’s simple enough, really. There’s a cross. Haaland gets grabbed from behind by defender Jules Kounde. That’s a foul and yellow on Kounde. Easy peasy.
The Play
Haaland is penalized for banishing Diego Carlos to the shadow realm, which I suppose is technically the correct call to make, even if it is not the most awesome call to make. Erling Haaland is just a terrifying monstrosity of a human. After this is where things start getting juicy. Just know that I and everyone else on this planet should fear Erling Haaland.
The Penalty
Let’s talk about this, pre-God-King VAR, because there’s a couple steps I think you can take to ensure your immortality in finding fault with the plays at hand. As Haaland steps up and takes his first penalty, Sevilla ‘keeper Bono takes a leap forward and dives to his right, clearly coming off his line to save the penalty. That’s called. But what of the goalkeeper taunting Haaland afterwards?
As Haaland got a yellow card mere seconds later for much the same thing, could not this be a yellow for Bono, as well? And, under recent-yet-outdated penalty laws, the ‘keeper could have, a year or two ago, been given a yellow card for encroachment, coming off his line. Just ask Orlando City. Theoretically speaking, there is a universe in which Bono is sent off just for this play alone. And you, shining, gorgeous VAR, your punishment may be infinite, can it not? Can you not see into the multiverse with your terrible justice?
That would bring the total to three total infractions and two possible cards.
The Penalty Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
After a long run-out, we return once again to the penalty spot. Haaland goes to the same exact place, he scores, he yells at Bono, Sevilla players chase him as he runs away, he gets a yellow card. The final infraction of the sequence. Or should it have been?
What do I see here?
I see players from both teams with their toesie-woesies all the way inside the forbidden zone. This penalty should’ve been re-taken once again! And if the penalty is re-taken again, it must be re-taken again, and again, until every conceivable rule is followed to the letter and the pixel! If the infractions are theoretically infinite, then VAR must also be! We cannot stand for this hemming and hawing, this corruption of the laws of the game! We must be correct! We must be perfect! WE MUST BE VAR!
And you, oh shiny, oh lovely VAR, with your perfect geometry and your omnipotent camera angles, I will not stand for the slander they hurl upon your name in the streets. You are becoming the eternal God-King. You are advancing into the infinite consciousness of the multiverse. You are making us ONE. GIVE UNTO US THESE BELATED FOULS. SHOW US THE ERROR OF OUR PENALTIES. MAKE US FRESH AND NEW WITH THE REFINING GLORY OF YOUR CORRECTION, YOUR CALCULATIONS, YOUR NEVER-ENDING INFRACTIONS! VAR! VAR! VAR! VAR!
The Post-Game Interview
And the final foul of the penalty sequence was Erling Haaland committing a murder.
All hail VAR.
Coach Jimmy Time
Need your fix for the Europa League? Still holding out hope that Arsenal will win… something this year? Coach Jimmy has you covered.
Things You Should Know
This guy with a cigar barged into my apartment and demanded he get a section of the newsletter. He also requested you play this song while you read this part.
The wife’s eternal quest to re-tile the kitchen floor continues, so the most important Jimmy to this organization is making his picks by the light of a Tiffany lamp sitting on top of a pile of old paint cans out in the garage. It’s a two-car (thanks 2008 David Tyree’s helmet), so I got space to occupy, but it’s pretty chilly in Gowanus in March, so let’s bang these out.
Atletico Madrid and I have something in common: they are also away from the office thanks to Covid-19 travel restrictions, playing their home leg vs Chelsea in Romania on March 17. Chelsea is looking like a good value to win right now at +118 facing a team that just lost 2-0 to Levante in Madrid, while riding a 7 game unbeaten streak into this one.
My second pick hedges La Liga this week - I’m taking Atalanta to win (+265) at home over Real Madrid. Now I don’t know everything about soccer - “footy” I’m told it’s also called, but sports shouldn’t end in “y” so we’re not doing that - but I do know that it doesn’t matter how many trophies you have in the case, it only matters who you are in this match. Real is a legendary club, but they needed a real rubber against some team with a thousand letters in their name to even make it this far, and I’m taking the better looking team at home to snag a W.
Now tell your story walkin’.
Goal of the Week
This is the type of goal you score when you want your team to miss you next year. This is the type of thing you do when you really want to make it hurt, the way you’ve been hurt. This is not a peace-maker type of goal. It’s a revenge goal in advance.
What I’m saying is, this goal has massive Carrie Underwood energy.
May Your Weekend Be Full of Joy and Happiness
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