Portugal Tragically Loses to a Team Playing Like They Did in 2016
And we are just broken up over it.
The defending champions of Europe waved farewell to the competition in ignominious fashion on Sunday, losing to a Belgium team playing much the same way that Portugal did in 2016 when they won the competition. And in absolutely no way were any of us happy or amused with this outcome.
Portugal, a team that were crowned champions of Europe after heroic draws in that same competition with Austria, Hungary, Poland, and Iceland, were apparently the favorites going into this match against a Belgium side that have been ranked Number 1 in the world by FIFA for nearly three years straight.
And Portugal played like they were the favorites, too. They frequently forced plucky Belgian underdogs like Kevin de Bruyne and Eden Hazard to settle for hopeful shots or recycling the ball when in the attacking third. They also managed to keep talented-yet-relatively-unknown striker Romelu Lukaku largely under wraps for the game, while simultaneously creating several promising chances for themselves with a suffocating midfield that dominated possession as the match marched on into the second half. But alas, a wonder strike from Thorgan “Lesser Than or Equal To” Hazard gave the inferior Belgians the lead.
They would cling to that lead with all the determination of a 2016 Portuguese side that played four holding midfielders in the 2016 final, in a move Greece fans called “regressive.” And the tears running down my cheeks are tears of grief at the loss of the defending champions and un-conquerable heroes from Portugal, the clear favorites over the proud-yet-incompetent players from Belgium, and not at all tears of joy or mirth. No sir.
The lasting memory we’ll have of these Portuguese gods will be of their captain throwing his armband to the ground, and Roy Keane suggesting players inflict emotional trauma on a 21-year-old, while Belgium, on the other hand, continue their Cinderella run that no one saw coming. Just know, at the end of the day, that we are mourning the loss of this Portuguese side. That we are crying, not laughing. Seriously.
Stream Schedule
We’ve got a watch party RIGHT NOW for Croatia vs. Spain, and more content coming this entire week. Come hang out!
You Want Dribbling Goals? We’ve Got Dribbling Goals
Or rather, MLS provided the dribbling goals for us this week. First, Thiago Andrade gave us a walk-off home run against DC United (I know it didn’t happen in Yankee Stadium, just let me make the baseball joke):
And in the later game, 18-year-old Ricardo Pepi showed off why he’s so highly regarded in the league and in the U.S. youth set-ups with quick feet you might not be expecting from his big frame.
If you are a connoisseur of the sauce, chances are this week of MLS was a good week for you.
The Quickest Way to Get People to Watch the Unflattering Documentary About You Is:
Whatever this tweet thread was supposed to be. I know what U.S. Soccer thought they were doing with this, but what they mostly did was create a platform for people to dunk on them.
I think it’s been pretty clear for a while that USSF would never beat the ultra-popular USWNT players in the court of public opinion, and their best bet simply laid with not saying much publicly and relying on the stupid amount of money they’ve spent on lawyers and law firms (as opposed to the back-to-back World Cup Champions) to just pull through in the courts. USSF, apparently, does not agree with me. Let’s see how it works out for them.
Um… you might want to grab a sandwich or something. This will probably take a while.
Owen Goal Leads the Way at the Euros
It’s pronounced “Ele O Ele” in Spanish.
Love the "tears of sadness, not joy or mirth" line.