FC Barcelona throwing many, many dollars at Sergio Aguero was more or less a foregone conclusion. The club desperately lacked starpower at the No. 9 spot. The way the first team was constructed almost entirely relied on Messi to do almost everything. And Messi has been unhappy with Barcelona for an amount of time not unlike the amount of time Supernatural was on the air in the United States. What do they do? Go sign one of his best friends, who also happens to be a great striker and one of the best scorers in Premier League history. That tracks.
This may have never happened, however, has the negotiations went Real’s way. No, not Madrid. Salt Lake. Utah.
This revelation led to many, many unfunny jokes at RSL’s expense. Seriously, all those jokes were terrible, not amusing at all, and you should not go check that Tweet thread and Quote tweets because those jokes just really aren’t worth your time. Not funny. At all. I won’t even wait for you.
….you do it yet? Ok, cool.
It did get me thinking, however: what does the reality in which Sergio Aguero does sign for Real Salt Lake look like?
Aguero Signs for Real Salt Lake
After fending off Inter Miami trying to sign a sixth Designated Player, Real Salt Lake sign Sergio Aguero to a four year contract, the details of which were not disclosed officially, but the contract is rumored to be the approximate value of one half of a nickel Dell Loy Hansen left behind in his office that contained the tooth marks of Grover Cleveland still intact. Aguero leads the league in scoring his first season and wins MVP. Real Salt Lake make the playoffs but get bounced in the Conference Finals by the Seattle Sounders. Aguero plays out the remainder of his contract before moving to Miami on a TAM deal, wink wink, to play with Lionel Messi. RSL wins one U.S. Open Cup.
The Messi-Aguero Inter Miami Era
The partnership of Lionel Messi and Sergio Aguero at Inter Miami is a roller coaster, as Messi simultaneously tries to drag the drying husk of Argentina’s World Cup hopes to North America 2026 while manager Jose Mourinho attempts to convert him into a left back for Miami. Messi’s arrival and impending World Cup on home soil sparks feverish purchases for the merged Liga MX-MLS North American Super League. Tigres buys Kylian Mbappe for 300 million dollars and wins the league the first three years running.
NISA announces itself as a Division 1 sports league with Chicago House’s signing of 44-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
North American Dominance
Europe struggles to keep pace with the combined might of a North American SuperLeague that does not have any promotion or relegation. FIFA president Sunil Gulati, instated after Gianni Infantino’s arrest for corruption charges in Switzerland in 2026, announces his support for a European Super League. Florentino Perez celebrates Erling Haaland scoring the winner in the inaugural ESL match between Real Madrid and Brighton & Hove Albion (who were purchased by the royal family of Bahrain in 2025) from debtors prison, where he has been sentenced for charges of false book-keeping and tax evasion for the last decade in sums totalling over 1 billion euros. He is released from prison after three months on good behavior.
Existential Threats to the Game
Exo-Suit Soccer gains rapid popularity in the 2030s, as players risk life and limb in suits permanently grafted onto their spinal columns to run faster and jump higher than humanly possible. The Olympic games also announce the entrance of competitive water dowsing, sponsored by Dasani, as searching for water becomes the most popular sport on the planet thanks to global shortages. In response, FIFA announces the stunning move to incorporate trampolines in the penalty area. Soccer tactics twitter accounts shift full-bore to the new set piece tactic du jour of seemingly all clubs, debating the importance of goalkeepers in relation to having an extra high defender in the box. Single-game xG maps still exist.
Lionel Messi Retires
In 2044, Lionel Messi retires from soccer at the age of 56, his harmonic bone stabilizers giving up the ghost even as fans argue his legacy is tarnished due to his reliance on advanced technology to extend his career, a grey area never fully cleared up after the ceasefire was agreed in 2039 between FIFA and the WWESSL (World Wide Exo-Suit Soccer League), in what became known as the War of the Lads. As he pulls off his Forge FC kit, taking a look at the number 10 one last time while the LED sponsor logos above and below his name change color and shape, a single tear runs down his cheek.
He turns the shirt over, where the live social media feed still runs on the front. He taps in and searches his name. The top result is a 15 year from Kilkenny, United Republic of Ireland and Greenland, with Cristiano Ronaldo as his avatar, who has written “still no international championships, lol.”
Stream Schedule
THURSDAY, JUNE 3rd:
Europe show, live at 1:00 EST/10:00 PST
USMNT vs. Honduras watch party, live at 6:30 EST/3:30 PST
FRIDAY, JUNE 4th:
Spain vs. Portugal watch party, live at 1:00 EST/10:00 PST
SATURDAY, JUNE 5th: No shows
SUNDAY, JUNE 6th:
CONCACAF Nations League Final watch party, live at 8:30 EST/5:30 PST
PSG Slapped with a Fine Only UEFA Could Give
Yep.
18 Never Looked So Good
Reports have emerged that Ligue 1 in France is downsizing the top division from 20 clubs to 18.
Personally, I love this move. Less teams means it’s harder to avoid relegation, the standard of talent is higher, and there’s not as many lame duck clubs in the last month of the season. It would be interesting to see the same logic applied to the maximalism of the Premier League.
Goal of the Day (as voted by stream)
We had our first ever goal vote on stream yesterday, and the people have chosen Derek Gebhard’s strike for Forward Madison as the Goal to feature in today’s newsletter. And the strike is great, yes. But the first touch from Gebhard is even more ridiculous.
Great work here from Gebhard. And if you want to vote on Goal of the Week, check out the stream!
The Bell Tolls of Bendtner
The man whose self-confidence rivaled Zlatan, Lord Bendtner himself, is hanging up his boots. Pour one out for all of your Arsenal friends who still remember him at the club, and, you know, when they were actually legitimate title contenders.