Why Do They Hate Da Boy? An Investigative Report
One stormy evening, Sebastian Lletget examines the case against himself
Rain’s hitting the roof like the sound of a sad applause, scattered and half-hearted. Sounds like the season started already. It’s the wrong side of midnight, and I should be asleep in my bed, not burning oil in my office. The record ended hours ago, filling the dark-shadowed room with the sound of dry static and small pops. I open the folder again. I have to. I can’t stop thinking about it.
Why do they hate Da Boy?
It’s the thought chasing its way around my head quicker than I can chase the whiskey. I swirl the glass a couple times, before downing the rest of it and looking once more at all the facts, labeled “FACTS” in dark block letters.
FACT: Da Boy has scored four goals and notched an assist in his last five USMNT appearances, making him the leading scorer for the team in that span of time.
That can’t be it, right? I look at one of the several portraits of myself I keep around the office. “Da Boy has been vital to the USMNT,” I say aloud, almost to convince myself. The words hang sepia-toned in the air. But if Da Boy is doing so well, then why do the people on Twitter seem to hate Da Boy so much?
It can’t be the results. Has to be something else. I flip through the files in the folder.
FACT: Sebastian Lletget has also proven useful with his ability to facilitate and open space for the star players of the team, such as Christian Pulisic and Sergiño Dest.
No, still too close to the results. For some reason, the people are blind to the things happening on the field. Must be something else. I keep flipping.
FACT: Sebastian Lletget was signed to West Ham United for five years without recording a single appearance, before signing in MLS and subsequently breaking into the national team.
Might be something there, I think to myself. Some ancient history, to be sure, but probably relevant. Do they hate Da Boy not because of how he actually plays the game, but because he plays in MLS? And furthermore, do they especially hate Da Boy because he did go to Europe, found himself in a difficult situation, and the path that let him thrive was in the United States? Do they hate Da Boy because he embodies their fears? Is Da Boy the avatar for their existential soccer dread?
The ceiling fan spins as I lean back in my chair and light up a cigarette, staring at the ceiling and watching the smoke drift and dissipate in an indistinct haze. Da Boy as an avatar for existential dread. Huh. That’d be kind of tight.
Case doesn’t feel like it’s cracked yet, though. Back to the files.
FACT: Sebastian Lletget is the first USMNT player to have a Billboard-charting song written explicitly about him, even appearing in the music video for said song.
Yeah, not even Freddy Adu can say that. Wait, can Freddy Adu say that? Can’t remember if he appeared in one of JoJo’s music videos. Is it all because of Becky, who also collaborated on a separate song with J-Hope, meaning I’m only two degrees of separation away from BTS, while most everyone hating on Da Boy are at least, like five degrees away at absolute best?
Maybe they hate Da Boy because of all of his success, more generally speaking, I think to myself while taking another drag. I’ve got a great, talented girl who supports me. I’ve got a spot on the USMNT. I’ve got a comfortable life in LA. Maybe they just don’t like all the attention given to me in general. Funny, an American playing in MLS attracts so much of their attention. Why is that, though? Why do they care?
FACT: Sebastian Lletget is really, really, ridiculously good-looking. Like, there’s a level of perfection about his face that is actually slightly uncomfortable. He looks like God hit the “Perfect Symmetry” button and then said “you know, I think we can get even more symmetrical. And also let’s give him phenomenal hair and piercing eyes.”
I look back at all the pictures of myself hanging around the office, the music from the jazz club downstairs bleeding through the floor, seemingly growing louder by the second.
My god.
The Full Ninety’s Officially Unofficial 2021 MLS Kit Review
*Editor’s note: these were created by someone who lives in Seattle.
TOP 5
Seattle Sounders, “Jimi Hendrix” Kit
New York Red Bulls “1Beat” Primary Kit
FC Dallas Community Secondary Kit
Philadelphia Union “BY U” Secondary Kit
Colorado Rapids “Class 5” Secondary Kit
BOTTOM 5
Portland Timbers Primary Kit
New England Revolution Community Secondary Kit
LAFC “Heart of Gold” Secondary Kit
DC United “Marble Jersey” Secondary Kit
Chicago Fire “Lakefront” Primary Kit
*Editor’s note again: if you want to yell at us for these, you can do so live on stream today at 3 PM EST, 12 PM PST.
The Sponsors the Could’ve Been
We decided to take some creative liberties and look at how a few kits might be improved by having a different shirt sponsor. Or made funnier. Mostly made funnier.
You have to admit, the new LAFC kit gives off a “luxury t-shirt that you pay 200 dollars for” kind of vibe, and thanks to the pricing of MLS kits, that’s not even very far from the truth! We think the power tools company looked a bit out of place for that amount of money, however.
Hear us out on this one: this has some real product coverage potential! You already have one Red Bull logo on the shirt. Why put on another? Expand your reach, my dudes.
Inspired by the Southwest Airlines pilot who really, really hates the Bay Area.
Mostly, we think the Earthquakes will just be pleased that anyone is thinking of them at all, and will gladly take a little more attention.
Goal(s) of the Day
Every single one of the 14 goals (!) scored by AS Mohamdia and Rades in their match in the Tunisian second division, which played out to a classic 7-7 draw.
All of them are either wonderful or hilarious to watch, so they all get the same recognition. And hopefully they all bring the joy to you today.